Memories
by Tattered Tenshi
Summary: (Warning- spoilers for the series and the movie) Shinji, shounen-ai, and Asuka. Oh, and angst, because angst is fun. Tell me what you think.


The moon is shining through the window, and I wonder, not for the first time, at how little of humanity is left. After my initial shock, my first fear that Asuka and I were the only human beings left alive after the Third Impact, I slowly saw that it was a choice to return. How all the souls separated into individuals and chose to come back. or not. My choice to let them do so, but maybe it wasn't the right choice, seeing how few returned.  
  
And it hits me from time to time just how many people I lost. I wonder why Misato, at least, did not come back. I thought her will would be strong enough, but maybe without Kaji, it wasn't.  
  
It's been years, and I still can't find peace. I pull away from the warm body next to me- Asuka sleeps deeply enough that I know my careful movements won't wake her.  
  
We still fight like we used to, over the silly little things in life. It came as a shock to both of us, I suppose, when we ended up together. But nobody else understood what we'd been through, and the trauma of our past bound us together. I don't know what I feel for her really. I only know that without her, I'd probably crack.  
  
I leave her sleeping and I step out into the cool air of summer night. Nights like these, I think of him. Of the angel Tabris. Kaworu Nagisa. Nights like these, I know that I will never forget what took only a day to learn; the sound of his voice and the scent of him, the little knowing smile on his pale face.  
  
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and allow my memories to wash over me, regardless of the pain they carry.  
  
If you had asked me before I met him if you could fall in love in less than a day, I would have told you no. Ask me now, and I'll tell you that it's unlikely, but I won't deny it. When he told me he loved me, I was simply shocked into silence. Only when it was too late, when his lifeless body lay in the grip of my Eva and the tears streamed down my face, only then did I realize that I wanted to say "I love you, too".  
  
I think, in the end, he knew anyway. He appeared to me, during the Third Impact. He appeared when I did not think I had strength enough left to go on, but seeing him gave me courage. Later, he told me that within my heart, he was the words "I love you". And I knew that he understood.  
  
I feel familiar tears sting my eyes and clench my fists, sinking down onto the wooden porch. He spoke to me after his own death, and a small part of me hoped that it meant he would return to me.  
  
A foolish hope. A child's hope. Kaworu was no normal boy, no normal human. He was an Angel, and the rules of the Third Impact did not apply to him in the same way. No longer a child, I know that I will never see him again. Never hold him like I want to.  
  
I swipe a hand across my eyes, willing away the tears. I'm such a baby.  
  
I hear his quiet chuckle in my ears, and for a moment, it is so real to me that it takes all my strength not to turn and search for him. The imagined moment makes me smile, though. I know he would not tell me what a baby I am and always have been, even though it is something I am sure of myself. I know that he accepted me in all my fragility. He loved me unconditionally, regardless of my flaws.  
  
I pull myself to my feet and look back through the closed glass door at Asuka, sleeping sprawled with the sheets tangled around her. She will never be able to fully accept my flaws, just as I will never be able to reconcile myself to hers. Our friendship, our relationship, our love, is imperfect, and always will be.  
  
I lean on the railing, turning my face to the stars. I don't know how long it is that I stay there, but I lose myself enough that I jump when I hear the door slide open. Asuka comes to lean beside me.  
  
"You idiot. Can't you even sleep for a night without having some emotional crisis?"  
  
"I'm not having an emotional crisis." The words fall flat, even to my ears.  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
"Don't you miss anyone that's gone?"  
  
I glance over and see her arrogance waver for a moment. A moment's softness, and then her eyes go steely again. "Sure. But they're gone, and that's that. I don't get up at night to feel sorry for myself about it."  
  
"Asuka." I try to keep the exasperation from my tone, and I do not think I succeed. "I'm just thinking. What harm is it doing you?"  
  
She snorts, turning so that she can look at me with that incredulous expression she does so well. "You think I should just let you come out here and break down over things you can't change? You can be so self- centered sometimes!"  
  
"I'm not!"  
  
"You are. And it's stupid. So come back to bed and sleep." She grabs my hand, challenge in her eyes, daring me to defy her.  
  
I am not looking for a fight, and I know that in all brutal honesty, she has a point. So I shrug. "Okay. I'm coming."  
  
"Good." She pulls me through the open door, practically throwing me onto the bed. She slides the glass screen shut, and settles down beside me. "Stop wishing for stupid things you can't have in the middle of the night, Shinji. Goodnight."  
  
I lie awake and listen to her breathing as she falls easily asleep again. I know I should take her advice. but I can't forget.  
  
As I finally drift to sleep again, the last thing I see before sleep takes me is a pale face with light hair and crimson eyes. He's smiling at me, and I can't help but smile back. 


End file.
